You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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