Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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