don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
