"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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