um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
