there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
