please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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