Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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