turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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