You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
