Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
