Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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