When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
