matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Small penises have feelings too.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
