I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
