Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
