if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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