I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
