Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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