if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
