I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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