Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Randomize
