my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
