Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
