Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize