Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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