I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
