Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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