pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
