Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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