I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize