i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
