two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
