census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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