Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
