I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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