I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
