I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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