his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
