The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
