At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
