So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
