Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
