She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
