just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
