Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
