Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
