You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
