I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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