I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He? As in you personified your dick?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
