Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
