I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
