Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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