Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
