I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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