I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
