lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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