that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
nutella sex= disaster
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize