You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
