I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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