if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
