Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
