i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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